A moment for a fallen friend...

I can not begin to explain to anyone how stressful Nursing School is. Or at least the program I am in. So I won't... I can say if you have taken a college load before, it's like taking 24 credit hours. Every class, lab, clinical has it's own curriculum, preparation, homework, assignments, etc. Somewhere in there you can see a clue.

We are bonded, in a unique way, because we are all going through the same thing. We have different backgrounds and stories and in the end we are sacrificing everything to make this and our future happen.

A classmate, and I won't say he's a friend because we are only acquaintances, bonded by situation, apparently, supposedly snapped. Details are not clear but the fact is an event occurred at clinicals last Wednesday. The group was sent home, immediately, not knowing the situation. Thursday they did not return to the clinical setting. Today there was gossip about his actions (still unknown for sure). The fact was announced that a situation occurred and he has been removed from the nursing program and he has been removed from the campus altogether. Our semester is not allowed to return to the particular facility where the event occurred. We are told this is for our protection and for faculty protection. The group has been assigned elsewhere.

For the record:
No, we are not friends.
No, we were not in the same clinical group.
No, I did not have clinicals at the facility he was at.

I am touched because it could happen to any of us and when I analyze the supposed events I realize that he will NOT be allowed to pursue a nursing education anywhere, at least in the state of Texas, if not the country. All those hours of prerequisites, all the pain and stress of getting accepted and it was lost in a moment.

I worry that he may harm himself. I was not friends with him but I don't wish that mental pain on anyone. If you've read my stuff long enough then you know I've had very close experience with suicide and I would really only wish it upon my worst enemy.

Please take a moment of silence. If you pray, pray for him. If you don't pray, just take a moment to show respect.

New Kids On The Block

Yes, they were HOTTTTTT! back then...


Yes, they still are!!!


I was in love with and going to marry Jordan Knight...



He's okay looking but
Thank God I didn't!

Krys was in love with, and going to marry Danny Wood.
(I thought he looked like a Monkey!!!

OMG! I can has? Pleeze!

In the end, if you're a Jr. High girl and you're reading this... don't blow off the guy that looks like a monkey... date him, work out with him and encourage him to RAWK OWT on a guitar and you will have your very own hottie in a few years. :)

On a pretty ironic note, her current boyfriend actually looks quite similar to Danny Wood... AWESOME!

Evolution bites!

I wanted to write about how this guy should DUMP the girl he's with because she talks like a chipmunk with a ball gag in it's mouth.

Yes, I really did want to write a delicious satisfying rant.

Then my brain went into Anatomy mode and I realized she probably had a trauma or medical condition that damaged her vocal cords and she doesn't really have a choice.

She isn't making the voice on purpose, I can tell.

So the delicious satisfying devious anger subsides and a disgusting dirty guilty feeling takes it's place.

Yup, evolution SUCKS!

Letter to the Jerk/Jerkette that hit my car

Dear Jerk or Jerkette that hit my car yesterday (23 March 2009) between the hours of 10:00am and 3:00pm CST in the All Parking Permit lot behind the library at SFASU,

I think it was a very wise move to not leave a note. I admit, I was initially annoyed at your decision to remain anonymous but after dealing with the situation and developing my annoyance into anger I believe that your decision is in your best bodily interest. I'm not saying I would cause you to not be living anymore, just that I would treat your body the way you treated the body of my car. Fusion (that's her name, BTW, it's printed on her ass but I bet you failed to apologize to her!) is unable to speak for herself so I am forced to be an advocate for her. And that means standing up for her when she has been wronged by strangers. You, Sir/Madam, have assaulted her and this is intolerable.

The irony of your actions I'm sure never occurred to you as I'm sure the entire situation arouse because you weren't thinking about much of anything, much less where you were driving. But I digress, the IRONY here is that I arrive on campus to secure Fusion in a parking spot on the end of the aisle so that people parking next to her will not hit her with their car doors. Fusion has been with me since 30 November 2007 and we have avoided getting a ding or scratch until your contribution to her paint job.

I do agree, she would be gorgeous in black. I have seen her sisters and cousins on the road... she would be gorgeous. But I love her Moss Green coat and I adore her for what she is.

YOU, however, I do not adore and I am very very ashamed of you. I can only assume you are human because dogs have not mastered the whole "opposable thumbs" aspect of evolution yet. You need to grow up, take responsibility for your actions and pay attention when you drive. And you have big tires on your vehicle, I CAN PROVE IT! THE PROOF IS ON MY FUSION!!!! You really need to understand that vehicles are NOT TOYS!

SHAME ON YOU JERK/JERKETTE! SHAME SHAME SHAME!

If you were my puppy I'd ground you to your crate for some quiet time to think about your idiocy.

On the upside, I will decide if you're going to die after I work on the damage to see if it is removable. If it comes off, you will be spared. If it doesn't come off, I will wait patiently until I find out who you are then I'll sue your ass for a new paint job (and luckily I'll have to have her completely repainted since the bumper is fluid with the rest of her body).

That is all.

See you in hell (I'll be waiting and I'll administer quite the ass kicking!)

Love,

Jenn & Fusion

More Religion

On a lighter note... (I'd love to say this to your face!)

You know how white chicks that like to tan will say (and I quote!):

"I was so dark I looked like a blonde haired Mexican."

For the record:

No, you do not, did not look like a blonde haired Mexican. You look like an over processed piece of trash begging for cancer from the massive amount of concentrated UV Rays you expose yourself to daily and the excess bleach you damage your hair with every 4-6 weeks.

Seriously, I have YET to meet a Latino that looks like that.

You Found Me - The Fray

Today this song touches me. For those of you that know me in a way that I'll allow you too, I have been addressing my eating disorder for the last 8 weeks (roughly). I don't even know where to begin. I want to find God. If I did find him on a street corner I'd sit down and chat with him all day. Fascinating fellow but I would not be surprised to find that he has a taste for the juice.

You Found Me
By Isaac Slade/Joe King/The Fray

//Verse 1//
I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where you been?”
He said, “Ask anything.”

//Verse 2//
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

//Chorus 1//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

//Verse 3//
In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who’s ever known
Who I am
Who I’m not, and who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

//Chorus 2//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

//Bridge//
Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

//Chorus 3 and outro//
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me?

Dreams...

I am trying to remember what the dream itself was about... but...

In this dream that I realized this morning is a recurring dream, I am with the crew from the Jeffersonian (yes, Brennan, Boothe, Angela, Camille, Zack, Hodgins). We are solving a crime. Angela is upset about a gruesome detail of the crime and asks to go home.

It was really nice working with them and I look forward to it in the future.

What is that... bittersweet?

I dreamed about her this night. My dreams are always so vivid and I am never aware that I'm dreaming.

In my dream she had been at the Animal Shelter all this time and I couldn't handle it anymore. I went to the shelter to bring my baby home. I got there and the staff was guilt tripping me, hardcore, for leaving her there in the first place.

I was so confused, I couldn't remember WHY I would have parted with her in the first place.

And I saw her! My GOD she was beautiful. Happy, young, healthy... she just looked at me with that happy impish look that I haven't seen in years and it said "Jenn! Where have you been??? Lets go home!!!"

And I just stood there, looking at her, wondering what was SO important that I would EVER give her up.

Then I woke up. I went to let Puck and Zoee out of their kennels and I was confused. I couldn't figure out where Chy was. I didn't look for her, it just took me a while to realize why she wasn't here and what Zoee was doing here. THEN I remembered.

Dr. Seuss Quotes

It was recently Dr. Seuss Day. I missed it. So sad for me, would have been a good day for green eggs and ham.

I read a few quotes and something very interesting has dawned on me... I do believe I adopted my life philosophy from Dr. Seuss... and I could not be happier about it!

Some of my favorite quotes by the literary genius (the kind of quotes that I base my life philosophy on):

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

Anyone that knows me, knows I am just me. The good, the bad, the ugly... it's all me! Take it or leave it, I'm okay with that.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

One of the interesting things about being me is that I don't actually think I'm crazy. I do think I'm odd but not crazy. I just say the crazy things that are in my head. I know my thoughts are not any different than anyone elses thoughts.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

A recent (in the last 5 years) realization that I should find the happiness in everything. I love that he said it first and it probably just took 20 years to sink into my skull and really take ahold of how I handle loss. It's true, I'll cry at first. But in the end I'll smile for all the reasons I'm blessed to have had (that person, thing, relationship) in the first place.

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities. "

Nonsense is a wonderful thing. I'm sure this is not from a book, but it works for me.

"If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good."

Fun is good. Seriously. Most everything I do in life is because it's fun. :D

Which are your favorites?

I love a good epiphany...

I saw this



and then I looked up this (and the lyrics, listed at the end of this post)



and then I saw this again



And I cried. I've spent so long waiting for my real life to begin... and it has... but how sad for the people who spend their whole lives waiting for their real life to begin and never see it. I hope and pray for everyone waiting for their real life to begin that they'll finally find the courage to make something happen.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin
Colin Hay

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Hey heyeyeyeyey
Hey yeeeeeee
Hey heyeyeyeyey
Eeh eeh eeh eeh eh x5

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way

It is pathetic when...

It is pathetic when the people around me are more interesting than what I'm reading.

I love being in the Reserve Room. I study here when I need to be around Humans. I study upstairs when I need quiet.

There is a pair of guys who come in here to read. They challenge each other. They discuss points in their different books and they refer to reference books to win an argument. Men of science! Prove it dammit and I'll believe you! I am fascinated with them.

There were a pair of Asian girls sitting very close me (I'm in the corner of a small square). They were talking to each other about an assignment and I couldn't make out if they were speaking English, but judging from the really high level of "sh"s I could make out in their speech, I think it was a different language. Again, fascinating.

You all have backstories that I want so desperately to form in my head... but I must study for this test.

Men of science, I will conquer your story another week (they are in here like clockwork).

Video - Everything Comes Down To Poo

Had my poo lecture today. I could.not get this song out of my head!!! :D It was awesome.

Highly Amused...

You can curl your hair and throw some blue in it and people totally respond.

It's CRAZY!

Seriously, people, I'm the same chick I was six months ago!

Okay, maybe not.

But I like to think I am.

Thoughts for Today..

1) I am going to have my name legally changed to Bakizzle. :)

2) I woke up in one of my "Burn the house down" moods. Some people look at me like I'm crazy, but they've felt it too. It's not my fault I'm in touch with my emotions and you aren't. :)

3) I don't mind people laughing in the library and bothering me while I'm studying if they are deaf. No, seriously, it's going on right now. And it's making me smile (even though I want to set my house on fire).

Scrubs Quotes

Denise: Watch the lip, Grandpa. Because you wouldn't be the first old man I beat up.
Dr. Kelso: Hah! I like her. She's got girl balls.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Denise: I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did. I was with that dude last night. Only way I'm going to die after him is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me. Crap, I just turned myself on.

One of my favorite BFF memories!

I keep telling myself this is just a sign of maturity...

but...

I still feel there is something seriously wrong with eating a sandwich while you're learning how to insert a rectal suppository... and being totally okay with it.

Bones Quote

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Voodoo! Who's gonna believe that stuff?
Dr. Temperance Brennan: It's a religion, no crazier than... well, what are you?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Catholic.
Dr. Temperance Brennan: They believe in the same saints you do... in prayer... what they call spells, you call miracles... they have priests...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: We don't make zombies.
Dr. Temperance Brennan: Jesus rose from the dead in three days...
[Booth looks at her in shock. Brennan picks up her phone]
Dr. Temperance Brennan: Brennan...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Jesus is not a zombie!

Found the words of the Quote at: IMDB

Angels On The Moon

This morning I had a song stuck in my head. I got into the library, plugged my ear candy into the laptop and pulled up the youtube video for Angels On The Moon by Thriving Ivory so I could get a fix and hopefully get this song out of my head. (It's on nonstop and not the whole song!)



So I was digging through the search results and I found an acoustic cover of Angels On The Moon. Let me just tell you now, I am, and always have been, a sucker for an acoustic guitar. I drool, I get sweaty palms, I melt, I lose control of my bladder. Yup, a sucker, hardcore.



So I listened to it and while the woman singing carries a tune about as well as I do and probably carries her tempo equally well, I was touched, fascinated and in love with her for putting herself out there, on youtube, singing this particular song... somewhere that people are more than glad to criticize and put you down for any attempt to share yourself with the world.

While I never read profiles (mostly because I'm there for a video, not your life story) something caught my eye about her profile and I read it. I almost cried. It made me remember a comment my best friends fiance made to her when he was about to kill himself "Why don't you come outside and I'll show you your emotions!". Sitting there, in the library this moring, I told him "You didn't have to shoot yourself in the head to show her her emotions. You can find emotions all over the internet."

Evolution

Evolution in the way my mind works amuses me... here is a sample that I literally just typed as I was writing my notes for the exam I'm studying for... (content is not important, just the choice of words)

Inadequate nutrition = malnourished patient --- can lead to death (among other things)
Inadequate temperature = hyperthermia or hypothermia --- can lead to physiological problems, including death.

It made me sad...

I was running around the house taking care of odds and ends when a photo jumped out with an empty binder I grabbed. I looked at the photo and thought "Oh, it's from that day when I felt beautiful." as I glanced at it and threw it on the bed.

(I was severely depressed as a teenager and I certainly did NOT think I was even remotely pretty in any way shape or form. So this particular day I felt beautiful and I asked my Mom to take pictures of me.)

As I walked off, I realized something was wrong with my favorite picture and I went back to it. I almost cried when I looked at it.

Even though I felt beautiful, for no reason other than me, I didn't have much of a smile. And I remember taking that picture. It was the biggest smile I could muster (no teeth because I had my braces taken off and my teeth were discolored and I was extremely self conscious of them and have been until the last couple of years... so 10+ years).

I am sad, for the girl in the picture, the girl that I still am. I am sad for her because even though she is beautiful with giant brown doe eyes, creamy skin and dark hair... she hates herself and would give anything to be happy.

I guess even when we get happy and we do learn to love ourselves, we still have those ugly little demons that fuck with our heads.

What AM I waiting for?

I saw this on PostSecret...



and it got me thinking about this...



and I started to wonder... What AM I waiting for?

I spent 2007 in a holding pattern, trying to get into an LVN program at a local community college. The entrance process is pretty much an entire year so yeah... I just had to be patient and wait. That's when I found this...



and felt such a kinship to it. It was all out of my hands and in the hands of someone else. I did what I could but the decision was not mine.

In 2008 I started prerequisites at the local university for the Nursing Program (BSN, RN) and I was no longer waiting. I was doing. It has been amazing. But I still felt a kinship to this...



because I am a "special situation". I think most nontraditional students are "special situation"s. Again, I had done (and was doing) what I could and the ultimate decision was out of my hands.

Now, in 2009, I am a student of the Nursing Program (BSN, RN) and it's amazing. I'm not waiting to graduate, I'm trying to soak up knowledge, develop skills and get an awesome foundation for my future career(s).

Which brings me back to this...



So what AM I waiting for? Because I do feel this is true for everyone. We ARE all waiting for something. Most girls I know are waiting for Mr. Right. Most guys I know are waiting for the next big rush. My brother and my best friends boyfriend are waiting for the world to accept them as they are so they don't have to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. My best friend is waiting to be happy. My husband is waiting for me to graduate.

I could go on... but you get the point.

And again, I ask myself, what AM I waiting for?

I am waiting to magically find self confidence in any and all situations... the kind of self confidence I had when I was rollin'.

This week on Post Secret...

I am an open addict of Post Secrets. I love reading through them because there is always at least one that touches me in a special place.

If you read this week of 02/08/2009 - 02/14/2009 then I'll tell you that the last two posted are the ones that touched me.

But especially the very last one.

I needed that today. I really, really did.

To the owner of that Secret: Thank you. I may not interpret it quite the way it was intended, but it's a small bit of peace amidst the insanity that is my life these days. I'm sure you don't mind. :)

Weather

Weather Forecast (according to my iPhone app) (all degrees in Fahrenheit)

Sunday: 75 59 (mostly sun, some rain)
Monday: 74 58 (stormy)
Tuesday: 75 55 (rain)
Wednesday: 71 39 (sunny, some clouds)
Thursday: 68 46 (sunny, some clouds)
Friday: 71 49 (stormy)

Did I miss the memo that stated Winter was over? I had just gotten used to February and some of March being the coldest months of the year.

Stupid weather.